Social Entry

Social entry is how children get into ongoing play. Imagine you and your child walk into a busy preschool classroom. There are four children already playing in the housekeeping center and your child wants to join them. Social entry refers to how your child enters. It is also how you get into a conversation at a busy cocktail party.

There are a few ineffective ways to enter in. The first is the child who stands back and watches, waiting to be invited in. Unless those playing kids really, really need someone to be the dog likely your child will end up just standing alone. The other ineffective way to enter is the child who tries to take charge or change the on-going play as they enter.

It also tends to backfire if we send children in saying, "Go ask them 'Can I play?'" The power for the other children here is in saying "no" you want the power to be in saying "yes" which leads to our first tip.

Effective ways include

• Coach children to ask more specific questions as they enter play. Focus on questions that give the already playing children power in saying "yes." Such questions could include "How can I play?" or "What can I be?" Here the power for the playing children is in assigning roles so they are more likely to say "yes."
  
• Teach children to observe play first. Children will be more effective if they can join the action that is already taking place and to do this a child must know what is happening. A moment of observation can be helpful.
  
• Teach children to offer to help. If the playing children are building a tower, your child might say, "What can I build?" or "Do you need this block?" or more openly, "How can I help?"
  
• Coach children to compliment the children they want to join. I know this sounds a bit manipulative but it often works. if there is a group of children painting at the art table and your child walks over and says to one, "Wow, that's a pretty tree you painted! May I paint too?" the other is likely to make space.
  
• Teach children to join ongoing play rather than change the play as they enter. Children who try to change the play as they enter usually fail. They will be more successful if they join even for five minutes before suggesting the new activity.
  
• For children who feel shy to ask questions, it may be that they just need to physically join in the play. If there are ten children playing tag and running around, your child might just join in the running and be child eleven.

Increase Interest in Potty Training

Are you thinking about potty training in the near future? Have you been at it a while but stalled in the process? Is your child "just not interested"? These tips may help.

*Let Them Observe*
If you are at all comfortable with the idea, let them observe. Children learn best through modeling and taking them in with you provides this opportunity. Let them watch and answer any questions they have. By all means, if this is uncomfortable don't do it.

*Talk Them Through*
Talking them through the process can start while you are still changing diapers. You can talk about how they poop and pee and you can label bodyparts. You can talk about how someday they will go on the potty. When they observe you in the bathroom, you can talk about all that you are doing includng flushing and washing. Once you are making the transition you can add language about "that feeling in their tummy that means they need to go."

*Read the Books & Watch the Videos*
There are many good potty training books and videos on the market. The idea is to casually mix in the books with your other story times and the videos with your viewing time.

*Change All Diapers In or Just Outside the Bathroom*
Stop changing diapers all over the house. The first benefit is that children who hadn't already may start associating the bathroom with going potty. The second benefit is that children who just don't want to stop playing to go potty have to whether they make it or not. This goes for when you are out running errands as well, find a bathroom.

*Dump or Hold Over Their Potty*
This idea also helps children to make the potty connection. Whenever you change a poopie diaper walk with the child into the bathroom and dump the poop into their potty saying "the poop goes in the potty" and then flush or clean as you would have. If it is a wet diaper, you can just hold the diaper over their potty saying "the peepee goes in the potty." I know this may create an extra step but may be helpful in the process.

*Sit and Relax*
Some children are too nervous to have success if the push is to "sit and try." If this is the case, it may be best to shift the focus to "sit and relax," sit together and talk or sing or read books or put on finger plays.

*Presenting the Potty OR Making It Their Own*
This means make the initial presenting of the potty fun. Maybe take a special shopping trip to pick out a potty or let them help choose which potty seat they like. If the potty is already out, you've been trying for a while already or they have older siblings, have a potty decorating day. You might let them put stickers on the (cleaned) lid or make a poster for the wall behind the potty, something to celebrate that the potty is now theirs.

*Descriptive Praise*
Descriptive praise works to build intrinsic motivation for behavior. In the case of potty training it sounds like, "You knew you had to go!" "You got there so fast!" and "Look, you put your poop right in the potty!" You are describing back their behavior, focused on effort and progress. This helps to give them ownership of the process.

*Underwear as an Under Layer*
For some children, diapers and pull-ups may work too well. Because these products are so absorbent children may not recognize that they are wet. If this seems to be the case, you might have them wear underwear under their pull-up or diaper. This way they get wet just not the floor.

*Take a Tour of Potties*
Start pointing out potties everywhere you go. Talk about how there are potties in restaurants, stores and in other people's homes. If there is time, you might visit the potties. We took the tour at relatives' and close family friends' houses.

Independent Play

Tips for Encouraging Independent Play

* First, pinpoint any particular needy times and plan accordingly. If your childis an early riser and always in need of company at that time or if they need to reconnect when parents first return home, don't expect those to be times for independentplay.

* Try starting activities together that the child can continue alone. if your childreally enjoys and has success with puzzles, take out a stck and start together. Once the child is engaged make a trip away by saying something like, "I need tocheck on something in the kitchen, I will be back in a few minutes." Leave andreturn in just a few minutes to check in. If all is going well you might make a few encouraging comments such as, "You've gotten two whole puzzles done!" and then take another trip. As the trips get longer just be sure to continue checkingin. Children given encouragment are more likely to stick with it than if left completely alone. Many times parents try to get kids to start something independently. Thisis often less successful.

* Set aside specific times TO PLAY. Some children worry that they won't get anytime with you if they don't follow your every move and ask to play constantly. Giving them a time they can count on may aleviate this worry. It helps some ifthis play is the same time every day (think the needy times) but it can be differentas long as it is your priority.

* Give children something to do that is similar to what you are doing. If you needtime on the computer place their leappads nearby. If you need time cooking in thekitchen give them pots and pans with spoons and a little bit of water to play with.

* Explain why you need the time. Even very young children may appreciate an explanation. This can be as simple as "Mommy has a few calls to make. I need quiet for 10 minutes."

* Arrange playdates (if this is helpful). Once children are a bit older, they maywant a friend to help spend their time. You may have to have several playdates to find a mix of children that can play together nicely for more than a few minutesbut if you find that match it is priceless. For others, the playdates are never really helpful. Some need more supervision on playdates and there is no way you'dleave them alone.

* Create a space that builds on their interests. If your child is very into picturebooks make a cozy reading corner that invites them in. Big beanbags, a low faceout book shelf, maybe a tape player for books on tape and a few related things like puppets.

* Limit TV and screentime. When parents hear this many of them argue, "But this is their independent time!" While children are viewing they are being otherwiseentertained and learning nothing about independent play. They are learning to bemore dependent.

* Boredom is a good thing. Many parent worry about their children being bored whenleft to play alone. This boredom is what sparks creativity, allows children to explore their interests and leads to better quality independent play. It is goodfor kids to have real downtime. At a minimum think an hour a day of unstructuredjust go play time. Time when they are in charge of what to do next.

Difficult Transitions

Dear Dr. Hackney,

I have two 18-month-old boys and want to know a good way to transition them from one task to another, especially when they don't want to end the initial task. For example, when they have to leave a fun activity to go home, I find that at this age, giving a five minute warning doesn't seem to work since they don't grasp time. My goal is to minimize tantrums and blow-ups.

Thanks,
Annie
Mother of two 18-month-old boys

Dear Annie,

There are lots of ways to calm transitions. While you are right, they don’t grasp time, giving a five minute warning can be helpful. If when you say “five minutes” you actually mean five minutes and stick to it, they will learn what this means, and it becomes helpful long before they can tell time. If when you say “five minutes” you sometimes mean five minutes and sometimes mean twenty minutes, the warning is meaningless.

As long as you are consistent, you can use a song to let them know it is time to go. We had a family at our office that sang the Jeopardy jiggle with their two-year-old when it was about time to leave. They would hold a hand and rock a bit while they sang, and by the end of the tune, they would be waving good-bye. Their child was always tickled by the song.

You might also create a “goodbye ritual” such as whenever it is time to leave, we will high-five those we are leaving behind. This means you have to find someone to high-five which may be awkward among strangers, but it gives the boys something to actively do when it is time to leave.

You might have luck giving them responsibilities as you go. Asking one to be the bag carrier or the door holder gets them proactively involved in the moment. This idea of contribution helps to bypass power struggles.

When it is possible, you might allow them to take something with them as they leave. This might be easiest when you are leaving your own house and transitioning out. If they were busy with building blocks, taking one along for the ride might make parting easier.

Empathy might be helpful in these moments. Saying, “Wow, you are frustrated. You don’t want to leave,” may help to calm the brewing tantrum. When we validate emotions children tend to calm.

You might also give them choices about how to leave. Once it is time, you might say, “Do you want to hop or stomp to the car?” or “Do you want to hold my hand or my pocket while we go?” Choices give children an out and avoid the need for discipline.

Sincerely,
Rene Hackney, PhD.
www.parentingplaygroups.com